1 - The night b...

1 - The night before you have to get up at 5.00am for a 7.00am flight, make sure you're actually asleep by 1.00am. Note that being in bed is not enough, actual sleep is required. Also, don't wake up every half hour to check that the alarm clock batteries haven't suddenly gone flat. 2 - When booking a taxi to the airport, remember to get the operator to ask the taxi driver to please come and knock on your door, not just sit on his arse honking the horn, because, as far as you know, no one else in the building needs to be awake at such an ungodly hour. 3 - When setting up unfamilliar AV equipment, if the sound doesn't work the first time, make sure you've plugged the speaker cable into the proper socket (this is the socket with a picture of a speaker right above it, not a picture of a microphone). 4 - When dismantling AV equipment, do not rip off the top half of the nail on your index finger while unscrewing the various plugs. If you really feel you must do this, make sure the GM who wants to engage you in an inane conversation about stationery is not in the room. That way you won't have to stand there, hand cupped so as not to drip blood on the floor, trying to think how best to say, 'Look, really, please bugger off, I'm bleeding here,' and desperately hoping he doesn't want to shake your hand. 5 - Try and make sure that all the deadline-critical projects that you left ticking along happily with various suppliers don't suddenly come to a grinding halt, resulting in any number of panicked phone calls. This is can be difficult to arrange, so it's probably best to just shoot the suppliers before you go. Except the wonderful Direct Mail lady, who was fucked over by one of your colleagues; shoot them instead. 6 - Do not become giddly euphoric at the idea of a whole free afternoon wandering around a strange city; this is a signal to the gods to unleash a torrential tropical downpour, so that you end up wet through and stuck in a shopping centre, grumpily wandering through Myer and the Body Shop. 7 - Do not congratulate yourself on carefully avoiding the slippery metal cover on the footpath, because as you do so your foot will skid on some slippery concrete, and you will tear off half the nail on your big toe (so that it matches your finger) and your knee will blow up like a soccer ball. It is however better to do this in Brisbane, where a kind & lovely lady will retrieve your sunglasses, ask if you're okay, and offer to call a taxi, all before you've finished swearing and counting how many working limbs you have left; if you do this in Melbourne, people just walk around you. 8 - When you finally arrive home, do not even think about doing the dishes or cleaning up; this will only result in a broken glass, a temper tantrum, and a freaked-out cat. Instead, finish the gin, have a hot bath, and follow this with peanut butter toast and Queer as Folk. This will make anything better.Today, I'm going to limp into the city to buy an alarm clock that doesn't need batteries, and some CDs. Then I will lie on the couch and moan a bit, with possibly some shouting if the cat jumps on my knee.